You ever just not know where to begin and every second you don't do something the knot in your stomach gets tighter and the lump in your throat nearly explodes? You've realized you've not replied to a thousand emails too many and the list of people you haven't called back is so deep in the weeds you're gonna need napalm to clear the mess. As of writing this I assure you all of this is true on my end and more. In fact, I kid you not, in the last 3 sentences I've gotten 3 text messages from both of the afore mentioned shit shows and sure, it doesn't have to be this way but try saying that to me right now...I fucking dare you.
On my best days I'd take a few breaths, do 100 pushups, or maybe even throw 20 pounds of ice in a bathtub full of cold water and work it out that way but this isn't one of those days. Far from it. And to be honest I don't know why. Today isn't necessarily any shittier than others but for some reason it's different. Maybe because in my mind the days are supposed to be getting better. The self help books say as much and the people at the meetings keep telling things are going to turn around. Maybe I'm keeping too close an eye on the current state of my life like watching a pot and waiting for it to boil. Isn't that a strange comparison to make? Waiting for my life to boil....
Perhaps now would be an appropriate time to kick in a little context. My name is Josh, I'm an alcoholic. Words I've been repeating to random groups of strangers and friends for about 3 months now. Actually, 3 months exactly and I've got the chip to prove it. Strangely, and poetically at the same time, that 3 month date falls exactly 3 months shy, to the day, of what would have been the 5 year anniversary of when I'd thrown in the bar towel. One might consider it coincidence but I don't think so. I'm fairly certain the subconscious Josh had that planned and had been doing so for about 4 years and 9 months. Dick. Anyhow, yes I'm in the program and finally accepting a few things with one of them being I'm not alright. I mean, I'm fine and good and all that but I've got some issues that absolutely need some attention and a good deal of maintenance. It's just that I'm impatient and today my impatient meter is off the charts. That's ok. It's bedtime and I can turn the engine off and let it cool. Nothing needs to boil tonight.
